Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Oh no, I'm sick!

I was playing around with this Disease Mongering Engine and found out I have IPGD!

Intermittent Premature Gender Dysfunction (IPGD)

IPGD is found in people with unpredictable episodes or experiences surrounding an unplanned, temporally-distorted physiological response regarding sexual partner preferences.


Oh no, what ever will I do? Well, the site does give me some ideas on how to get rich off of it:
  1. Patent a dangerous chemical as a "treatment" for IPGD.
  2. Invent fictitious trial results that prove the drug is effective in treating IPGD.
  3. Bribe FDA officials into approving the drug as safe for everyone! (Even if it kills people.)
  4. Submit to the American Psychiatric Association for inclusion in their DSM-IV (the standard reference guide of psychiatric disorders).
  5. Create an emotional TV ad that shows unhappy, confused people being transformed into perfect beings after they take your drug.
  6. Issue press releases to mainstream media outlets who will run your propaganda as news with zero skepticism.
  7. Bribe doctors with vacations, extravagant meals and "consulting fees" in order to get them to prescribe your drug to as many patients as possible.
  8. Buy off politicians and legislators to block alternative medicine and enforce a pharmaceutical monopoly.
  9. Sit back and rake in the dough** while Americans go broke buying your drug to treat IPGD!
  10. When the lawsuits roll in from the families of dead patients, simply use a small portion of your windfall profits to settle out of court, admitting no guilt.
Pretty funny, huh? Now go off and discover some lovely new diseases of your own!

2 comments:

Karen said...

This is what I came up with. I think feel a bout of it coming on soon...Transient Premature Mood Disorder (TPMD)
TPMD is defined as intermittent, rapidly-changing episodes exacerbated by an unplanned, temporally-distorted physiological response during intense emotional experiences.

Doulala said...

Yep Karen, that one seems to be one that you regularly suffer from. :-)