I Can't Get The Doobie Brothers Out of My Head

It keeps you runnin', yeah it keeps you running...

I must be nuts! I let someone convince me to do a 10K run that is just 10 days away. What in the world was I thinking??? That is 6.2 miles! I am in such trouble! I haven’t taken training for this seriously enough. I have been running 3 miles at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times a week for the last few months. “If you can run 3 miles regularly, you can run 6, no problem”. This is what my whack job of a friend said to me to convince me to sign up, and I believed him. The problem is I run those 6-9 miles per week on a treadmill, which I am now learning is much different than running outside, on pavement.

Yes, I am nuts!

Yesterday I ran 2 miles (on the treadmill) , then boxed for a half an hour, then ran another 2 miles (one on the treadmill and one around the track). Surprisingly, I feel fine today. I boxed again today but didn’t run because I had to watch Jane’s girls for her (Thanks for getting me out of running Jane!). I am supposed to somehow run 5 miles on Saturday and then next week a friend of mine is going to help me train so that I can run 6 miles by next Sunday. Yeah, right! I’m going to go from running 3 miles, (occasionally 4) to running 6 miles in less than 10 days.? Dear readers, you should start saying your goodbyes now. Anyone want to volunteer to help Hubby raise the Things?

The only thing that might save me is that I am on call for two mamas right now. Maybe I’ll get called to a birth! November 11^th sounds like a wonderful day to have a baby, don’t you think?

I'm In Repair...

...I'm not together but I'm getting there.
John Mayer

Some of you know that I've been working on losing weight since early March. I'm trying to get down to around 140 or a comfortable size 8.
Six months after the twins were born I weighed more than 200 pounds. I was a mother of four, 29 years old and overweight. I set a goal of losing 50 pounds before I turned 30. I wound up losing 60. The first 30 came off just by changing my eating habits. I had to get my butt in the gym to lose the rest.
Unfortunately once I reached my goal I stopped working as hard. I slowly added Oreo Blizzards back in my life & stopped going to the gym. To my surprise, the weight stayed off. Woo hoo! I could eat what I wanted and be a lazy bum (as lazy as 4 children would allow).

Then I weaned the twins. Slowly but surely my weight crept back up. By February of this year I was back up to 167 and spilling out of and over the top my size 10 jeans (I had no business still trying to squeeze into those pants).
So now I'm back to eating right, going to the gym, and doing my best to resist the call of Dairy Queen (have you seen June's Blizzard of the month? Waffle pieces, chocolate chunks and caramel, YUM!). Doing all of this has helped me drop 15 pounds and fit in my size 10s comfortably (sometimes they are even a little loose).

I've had 2 births this past week so I've been slacking on my work outs, and not eating the greatest. It's hard to eat right when you're up in the middle of the night supporting someone in labor for hours and hours. It's also hard not to give in to your cravings for ice cream when it's 110 degrees outside. I've tried June's Blizzard at least three times this month.
Today I was in a hurry and pulled on a pair of jeans. They were unusually snug and my first thought was "Ok, these are fresh out of the dryer, no big deal". As I rushed out the door I realized I couldn't move real well in theses jeans and I had a serious muffin top (more like a big ole' inner tube). I started getting seriously depressed. I couldn't believe that just a few days away from the gym and a Blizzard or two or three could make my comfortable, almost loose jeans impossibly ill-fitting.
Suddenly I remembered that some of my jeans from two years ago were in the same drawer as the ones I wear on a regular basis. I found a bathroom so I could check out the tag. Lo and behold, I was wearing a size 8! Suddenly I went from being depressed to being excited! I could actually pull on, button and zip an 8! I still have a way to go before they will be comfortable but I'm getting there.
Whew!

50 First Dates

I attended my first birth as a doula in August of 2004. Today was my 50th time assisting a mom in labor and getting to be one of the first people to meet a brand new life. I met a beautiful little boy who's name totally fit him. It was a relatively short labor for a first time mom, just a little over 12 hours from the time her contractions woke her up until her boy was born. M was the epitome of a birth warrior. I always marvel at how women can be so powerful but extremely vulnerable at the same time. It's an amazing thing to see.
I love my job!

I'm Just Lazy (or Crazy, pick one)!

I have the beginnings of two amazing birth stories just sitting in my draft section. They've been there for weeks. I haven't been inspired to finish them. I loved being at those births. I love thinking about them. I love talking about them. Why won't I finish writing them out?

The perfect example of my Laziness/Craziness is that today I finished an essay that was the final piece of my requirement to be a certified doula through DONA. I've been a doula for almost 3 years, finished all the other requirements for certification over 2 years ago, attended many births, become a childbirth educator (my certification with that is still pending because I've done all of the work except for the writing), and attended several continuing education classes and workshops. The only thing that has kept me from being certified all this time is the fact that I refused to write that last stinkin' essay. Not only did I miss the two year deadline they give you, I got an extension and missed that deadline too. Why you ask? I have no idea. I just couldn't make myself write.

Finally, I allowed myself to be backed into a corner by a dear friend. She finished her certification packet and offered to help me get mine ready to send in. I would never have done it without her pushing. She literally sat next to me as I typed the last paragraph. In less than one day I wrote something that I've been putting off for over two years. Part of me feels great for finally finishing but a huge part of me feels a sense of resentment that I can't put my finger on well enough to describe.

Most of the time I tell my self (and others) that being certified has nothing to do with my abilities as a doula, and I really do believe that. The rest of the time I'm not as confident. The biggest why I had such a mental block when it came to writing that paper is because I have this weird issue with self esteem. I guess if I never turn in my packet I don't have to worry about having my writing judged. And before you say it, blogs don't count. My writing on my blog isn't being used to determine whether or not I get to put extra letters behind my name.

I so desperately want to be a good writer. I read the writings of others like MB, Leigh, and Jane, and think of all the reasons why I will never be as good as they are. I envy people who seem to write so effortlessly, whose words feel like melodies as they talk about the simplest things. These women, along with many other writers, tell stories that touch my soul. I want my words to be like that. I want them to dance, to flow effortlessly across the page (or screen), to move other people. I want people to be able to feel my passion when they read my words.

Maybe there are classes I can take, something that can bring out, or put in my creativity. Maybe I need to just write and stop being so critical of myself.
I don't know, any suggestions?

Weekend Recreation

This past weekend started out great. Hubby and I woke up Saturday morning and started cleaning. His mother was coming to watch the kids for us so we could go out to dinner. Once she got to our house Hubby said he had plans for us for the day as well. First we went to get manicures and pedicures. It was fun and relaxing. Hubby got his toes painted the color of his favorite baseball team. The ladies in the nail salon got a kick out of that. They look so pretty!
After our pampering we went shopping for an outfit for me to wear to our fancy dinner date. Ugh, I hate shopping for clothes. Hubby thought that it would be a simple in and out thing, that we'd pick something that looked nice and be done. He had no idea how difficult it would be. We spent a couple of hours shopping and finally found something that looked nice on my long legs, short waist, big boobs and fluffy tummy.
We went home to get ready for our date. I quickly got dressed and headed out the door to drop off a gift for a good friend of mine. Her Blessingway was that evening. Earlier in the week I had done a belly cast for her. Another friend of ours decorated it for her and it was on display for everyone to write a special birthing message to her. It looked beautiful! I'm really happy it turned out so well.
So many of my favorite women were at this gathering. The energy was incredible and the food looked great. I really wish I could have stayed longer. It felt so good to be around so many wonderful people who were all there to love, honor, and nurture our friend on her path to becoming a mother for the second time. It made me think more about the book that I will eventually get around to writing. I really want every woman to find her "village" of sisters (cousins, aunts, mothers, grandmothers). We really need to be loved and supported by other women in our everyday lives.
I stayed and chatted for a little bit but then I had to rush off to go pick up Hubby so we could have our celebration dinner. We arrived at a beautiful restaurant overlooking the city. As soon as the couple we were dining with arrived, we were seated. The view was spectacular. Everything on the menu looked delicious so we decided on the Chef's Tasting Menus. The guys had Tasting Menu 1 which came with Foie Gras, Lobster Bisque, Pan Seared Austrailian Barramundi, some kind of lamb dish (poor lambs) , and dessert. My friend and I decided on Tasting Menu 2 which was all seafood (except for the dessert) and "created with spontaneous passion and customized" for us. Both of the tasting menus came with wine parings and everyone drank except for Hubby. After all that food and several glasses of wine, I was pretty wasted. The four of us sat and talked for another hour or two then we all went home.
Hubby and I quietly "celebrated" a little bit more when we got home (we had to be careful not to wake up sleeping children or my mother in law) then I fell asleep.
I woke up Sunday morning with the worst sore throat (a couple of the Things had been coughing all weekend), no headache but I still felt pretty yucky. Hubby and the Things took pity on me and let me stay in bed most of the day.
Later that night I had another gallbladder attack. It must have been all that rich food. This time I took a couple of pain pills (through out the night, not all at once). I didn't feel as much pain but my body still feels worn out from this weekends events.

It's a good thing anniversaries only come around once a year.

Happy Anniversary to Us

As of last night I have been married to Hubby for 9 years. The first few years of marriage were challenging but we are finally at a point where we like each other (most days). We will be celebrating this weekend by going to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
Our actual anniversary was spent arguing over a personal training contract that I signed last month that he didn't know about. The contract is no longer in effect so, in my opinion, it should no longer be an issue, Right? OK, maybe not but I'm not interested in arguing over it.
I also went to dinner with my stepsister. Hubby laughs at me when I call her that because I refuse to call her dad my stepfather, I always call him "my mother's husband". She's visiting her dad who she hasn't seen in almost 12 years (when my mom and her dad got married). We had a nice time eating and talking about how much our fathers weren't there for us. The two of us have a lot in common. Hopefully we will keep in touch.
The most exciting part of my anniversary is the gifts our mothers gave us. My mom is having our house cleaned from top to bottom. Oh boy do we need that! My mother in law is buying us new pots and pans. Yipee!!
Oh boy, I am getting old. I get excited by housecleaning and cookware.

If Trouble Was Money

I think I have figured out the main lesson I was supposed to learn about the Twilight Zone birth. I can not be motivated by money when I take a birth. Every time I am it winds up being a not so pleasant experience. I can think of two other times that this has happened. This one was the worst.
My biggest reason for becoming a doula is wanting to care for and support birthing women. Most of the time, when I take a client, getting paid for my services is important, but money is really a secondary thing. This time the order was reversed.
I got the call requesting my help and my first thought was "I'm available and this is unexpected money, so why not?". As a matter of fact, that thought played a role in my deciding to discounted my fee by almost 50%. I knew they were calling at the last minute, had limited funds and had already been turned down by another doula. Of course I wanted to help them but I also saw it as an opportunity to make a quick buck.
I hate admitting that my primary motivation when agreeing to be their doula wasn't a strong desire to help. Of course, I don't feel that my misguided motive is the reason why the experience was as unfavorable as it was. I do think though, that it played a huge part in why I didn't pick up on all the red flags that surrounded the situation.
Even though I can look back and see the things I could have, and probably should have, done differently, not having my priorities in order is the biggest.

It was a gallbladder attack!

That's why I was so sick the night of the Twilight Zone episode. That whole "gas pain" thing had happened to me before. Even though it had kept me from sleeping many nights, I always thought it was just really bad gas. The attacks were so infrequent that I never figured out what might have been causing it. TZ night was so bad that I finally decided to get it checked out. I went to the doctor and was scheduled for an ultrasound yesterday morning. Unfortunately I had another attack in the middle of the night so Hubby took me to the hospital. I cried all the way there. I remember saying "I need a doula!" I almost called a couple of my doula sisters but Hubby reminded me that it was 3:30 in the morning. By the time I was finally seen, the pain had subsided and I was starting to feel a little bit silly for being in the ER. The doctor and nurse said that what I was experiencing was actually very common for gall bladder issues. The fact that the pain had gone away pretty much confirmed that it was my gall bladder. They ran a bunch of tests and I had an ultrasound. Sure enough, I have gallstones.
Now I have to figure out how I want to treat this. My conventional doctor said "Get thee to a surgeon so your gallbladder can be removed!" I really don't like the idea of removing an organ, even one that is causing this much pain. I'm waiting to hear back from my naturopathic doctor to see if he has a better solution.
Either way, I really want to figure out how I can avoid hurting as much as I have the last couple of nights.

Oh no, I'm sick!

I was playing around with this Disease Mongering Engine and found out I have IPGD!

Intermittent Premature Gender Dysfunction (IPGD)

IPGD is found in people with unpredictable episodes or experiences surrounding an unplanned, temporally-distorted physiological response regarding sexual partner preferences.

Oh no, what ever will I do? Well, the site does give me some ideas on how to get rich off of it:

1. Patent a dangerous chemical as a "treatment" for IPGD.
2. Invent fictitious trial results that prove the drug is effective in treating IPGD.
3. Bribe FDA officials into approving the drug as safe for everyone! (Even if it kills people.)
4. Submit to the American Psychiatric Association for inclusion in their DSM-IV (the standard reference guide of psychiatric disorders).
5. Create an emotional TV ad that shows unhappy, confused people being transformed into perfect beings after they take your drug.
6. Issue press releases to mainstream media outlets who will run your propaganda as news with zero skepticism.
7. Bribe doctors with vacations, extravagant meals and "consulting fees" in order to get them to prescribe your drug to as many patients as possible.
8. Buy off politicians and legislators to block alternative medicine and enforce a pharmaceutical monopoly.
9. Sit back and rake in the dough** while Americans go broke buying your drug to treat IPGD!
10. When the lawsuits roll in from the families of dead patients, simply use a small portion of your windfall profits to settle out of court, admitting no guilt.

Pretty funny, huh? Now go off and discover some lovely new diseases of your own!

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That...

It's been way too long since I've updated my blog. My dear friend Jenny's bad habits are rubbing off on me.
Now that I'm actually sitting down to write I have so much to talk about but not enough time or energy to creatively put it in written form. A good friend of mine (one of my cool writer friends) suggested bullet points. I think that is a great idea. I will write about all of them more detail as the urge to write comes to me.

• My trip to the Midwest for my sister's birth went well. I got there in plenty of time. The birth was beautiful. My niece is beautiful. I got to come home a few days early, and my family survived.

• I attended another amazing birth just a few days after I got home. I actually had a lot of fun at this birth even though I was up two nights in a row. I was one of three doulas there and the other two are a couple of my favorite friends. We had a blast. It was a VBAC and the mama ROCKED!
  

• I decided last night that I am seriously in LOVE with John Mayer. So much so that I will overlook the fact that he is rumored to be dating Jessica Simpson.

• I have two clients that think they will be having their babies within the next 48 hours. This should be an interesting week. Two more births to write about. Fun!
  

• Thanks to Jane, the song Game of Love by Santana (featuring Michelle Branch) , is stuck in my head. This one will require lots of thought (and maybe some soul searching) before I write.

• I need to know more about North Carolina, lots more.

Ok, I thing that is a good start. Hopefully this will inspire me to update my blog more frequently.

She's Leaving Home

I'm filled with anxiety today. I am preparing to leave my family for 11 days. On the other hand, I'm very excited because I'm leaving so I can be at the birth of my sister's third baby. I think this will be the longest time I will have spent away from my kids. What will they do without me? Will my husband be a better mom than I am? Will he be able to keep a cleaner house while taking care of 4 children? Will my kids have more fun with him and their grandmothers than they do with me? Will he be better at the shopping? Will he get them to, and pick them up from school on time (something I rarely do)? Will I be missed? Oh no, will they miss me too much? Will they cry every night for their mommy? Will my daughter wind up with damaged hair because nobody knows how to properly care for it except me? Will they eat well? Will my hubby buy the right foods or will he feed them nothing but pizza, waffles, and ramen noodles (something I've been know to do occasionally)? Will someone forget to take them or pick them up from school? Will my mother or my mother-in-law lose one of my kids while my husband is at work?
There are too many unknowns, maybe I should stay home. Or maybe I should trust that the man I married and the women who raised us will take just the right amount of care of my children.

I am not a writer!

But I really wanna be. I can talk all day long but I suck at writing.
All my cool friends are writers. They tell me that I would be one too if I would just do it. I'm hoping that starting this blog will turn me into the writer they tell me I can be. I want to be cool like them.

I can remember writing papers in school, thinking I had done a really awesome job and being told by some wrinkled old teacher that it wasn't very good. I think I've convinced myself that she (and all my other teachers) were right. I've told myself that writing is something I'm just not good at.

I have an idea for a novel that I love to talk about but I won't allow myself to believe that I could actually write it. It's an awesome idea (I think) and I can't get it out of my head. I wish I could get my cool writer friends to write it for me. I know they couldn't get it right though because it's my story, in my head.

So now I've entered into the world of blogging. I can't wait to see what it turns into!