I have the beginnings of two amazing birth stories just sitting in my draft section. They've been there for weeks. I haven't been inspired to finish them. I loved being at those births. I love thinking about them. I love talking about them. Why won't I finish writing them out?
The perfect example of my Laziness/Craziness is that today I finished an essay that was the final piece of my requirement to be a certified doula through DONA. I've been a doula for almost 3 years, finished all the other requirements for certification over 2 years ago, attended many births, become a childbirth educator (my certification with that is still pending because I've done all of the work except for the writing), and attended several continuing education classes and workshops. The only thing that has kept me from being certified all this time is the fact that I refused to write that last stinkin' essay. Not only did I miss the two year deadline they give you, I got an extension and missed that deadline too. Why you ask? I have no idea. I just couldn't make myself write.
Finally, I allowed myself to be backed into a corner by a dear friend. She finished her certification packet and offered to help me get mine ready to send in. I would never have done it without her pushing. She literally sat next to me as I typed the last paragraph. In less than one day I wrote something that I've been putting off for over two years. Part of me feels great for finally finishing but a huge part of me feels a sense of resentment that I can't put my finger on well enough to describe.
Most of the time I tell my self (and others) that being certified has nothing to do with my abilities as a doula, and I really do believe that. The rest of the time I'm not as confident. The biggest why I had such a mental block when it came to writing that paper is because I have this weird issue with self esteem. I guess if I never turn in my packet I don't have to worry about having my writing judged. And before you say it, blogs don't count. My writing on my blog isn't being used to determine whether or not I get to put extra letters behind my name.
I so desperately want to be a good writer. I read the writings of others like MB, Leigh, and Jane, and think of all the reasons why I will never be as good as they are. I envy people who seem to write so effortlessly, whose words feel like melodies as they talk about the simplest things. These women, along with many other writers, tell stories that touch my soul. I want my words to be like that. I want them to dance, to flow effortlessly across the page (or screen), to move other people. I want people to be able to feel my passion when they read my words.
Maybe there are classes I can take, something that can bring out, or put in my creativity. Maybe I need to just write and stop being so critical of myself.
I don't know, any suggestions?